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May 25th, 2003

10:23 pm - Hi
Hello everyone. I'm a new memeber, just joined.

As for my SI history, I started a few years ago after my sister died, then I quit for quiet a while, until recently when I sort of lost all my will to resist is anymore.

I'm sick and tired of people not understanding where I'm coming from, so I've been looking for places where I can speak my mind and not have people tell me how I feel is wrong. That's what I'm hoping I'll get here.
Current Mood: calmcalm

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April 29th, 2003

09:12 pm
we have the smallest of fights. & _i take everything to heart, those words he says and apologised (sometimes i say mean things, im sorry.) we find ourselves kissing between my tears; 10 mins later. oh, i hate being such a perfectionist. (with those high expectations). mostly, i've been thinking (with that anger you find under your nails) that i feel as though i'd be better if i went back to that. breaking it apart and letting it out. i haven't felt something; since you touched me. since we had sex and you were everything. (i'll never lose you)

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April 2nd, 2003

12:55 am
ok everyone, I need help! I'm going to tell my parent's I cut and I have no idea how to do it, ANY advice would be greatly appreciated. sorry for cross posting.

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April 1st, 2003

09:26 pm
he told me that i didn't care, for those people dieing, for those people whose lives are lost to war. he told me that his protesting is for me, so we can live in peace, so we can live happily together and safe. because i gave him compassion. because he is using his voice, strength and opinon to make himself heard. because i am scared, because i feel helpless. i had to keep moving, do anything. just to take away that (thing that you get when you really need it) edge.

if i cannot care for these people, he says.
then how can i care for him.

By a bed in a free sleeping country she listens to words from some old crappy band.
In a turning away she is given a message that she will never understand.
It tells her that if she cares for nothing then she could never care for me.
It tells her that if she is busy hiding then no one will be set free.
One day if I become a shadow in some far away place she will ignore me just as easily.
Flowers will grow in the place where I might fall but she wont ever see them open.
I might be buried all alone but she wont ever visit.
I might have tried to save a million but she wont ever read it.
She only cares while I am close.
She only cares if I still have two legs and eyes.
She only cares while she is not afraid and I am still alive.
So long as life is easy she will love me deeply but as soon as the weather
changes she will be gone...

oh, how i love him. he always knew.
i cried alot that day, for us.
i would always be there for him.

he will never accuse me again.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: tool - sober

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March 24th, 2003

12:29 am
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I need more people on my friends list, very very much! anyone who want's to add me, I'll add you. sorry for cross posting.

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March 21st, 2003

11:24 am
I've been writing a book about self-injury.. Its really short though. I need to illustrate it. Would anyone here be interested in having SI pictures featured in the work?

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March 19th, 2003

07:59 am - congruent
work is currently driving me crazy. and its always and only those little things. cleaning, where things are put. others habits which effect me. last night i ended up having a quiet tantrum, i needed it. and now i feel like i need to get as far away from work as possible. but no. i really could of cut myself last night, i could of done almost anything with this anger.

then i got a phone call later, letting me know that a few things had blowen up at work and that today is going to be a bit of a muck.

i think the only reason i didn't cut myself, was because i don't want that one person to get under my nails. i don't want to drop myself in half for some body elses sake. goodness know if i am making any sense.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: nin - closer

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March 11th, 2003

06:10 am - a little history
Last night I was feeling a little wierd and anxious for some reason. I played with my razor for a while and ended up with the word "Zero" cut into my arm, and a few scratches on my belly. Afterward i felt really peaceful and I fell asleep very quickly.

I have been Self-injuring for as long as I can remember... When I was little, like 8 or 9, I used to pull my toenails off when I was upset, then sit around and enjoy the blood throbbing in my feet. As I got older, and braver I finally picked up a Razor blade and have been cutting to cope with anything I didn't like since then.
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: Cut by The Cure

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March 17th, 2003

12:38 pm - enabled
so i was watching 'bowling with columbine' on my boyfriends computer with a couple of friends. the jumping between presedents and gun slaughter. school shooting. being able to buy bullets at wal-mart. so astonishing. but i must say marilyn manson definately has the right atitude towards things. by the end of this, i was incredably depressed scratching at my skin. this would be one of the few times i was very triggered from watching something. i was astounded. normally i am fine. i almost ran away in tears with a knife to lock myself in the bath room. sometimes i ask myself, what are you doing.
Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: alien ant farm - smooth

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March 13th, 2003

07:34 pm - the girl's in circles and circles and circles again...
how can someone say enough is enough, then turn around and go right back?

i got a friend, her husband is just (pardon my language) a complete cunt. he cheats on her, treats her like shit, blows all their rent money on xtc, takes her car repeatedly, etc. he even turns tricks! and she was about to leave him. so many times. she keeps leaving him. she's like that's it. no more. then she'll turn around and go right back to it!

i understand staying in the relationship, cuz it's a lack of self-respect and self-esteem. it's a different story. but once you get the strength to leave, why just go back? why draw the line, stand your ground and then just decide to disregard it, or move it?

i don't understand.
Current Mood: confusedconfused

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